Bebelina 

Freedom.

Like it.


[link=http://www.pinkeye.se/][/link]

Which self you will approach.

Here at the beginning of the story you are meeting the present me, at the end you will meet the future me and in between you will encounter all selves I have managed to remember.


[link=http://www.pinkeye.se/][/link]

The thoughtpattern.

When you think of a memory the way back to the present reality is almost always the same. The thought travels on familiar roads in your brain. I think there are many missed roads that could be valuable for the present selfawareness to explore. So try to take a new road back the next time nostalgia mesmerizes you.

[link=http://www.pinkeye.se/][/link]

The death and birth of a sister.

I was 2 years old running around in dipers. A lot of doctors entered our home and they stood around the big white bed where my mother sat holding my little sister Petra. I went into the room and I remeber one of the doctors saying " and she hasn't got a clue" while looking at me. I understood that but wondered what was going on that I couldn't understand. I tried to approach my mother to ask what was wrong, but she didn't let me come near. Petra must have died already then. Otherwise the doctors wold have rushed her to the hospital.
I often stood at her bed afterwards wondering where the baby was. I also had the idea that we had two babies and only one of them was gone, so I used to ask my mother where the other baby was. She thought that I couldn't understand that my sister was dead, so she got very irritated at me when I asked about the other baby. But I was sure we had two. I didn't get to go to the funeral.
After that my parents got very depressed and I lived with my grandmother and grandfather most of the time. I really loved them, they were so kind to me.
Every time I had to go home to my parents I panicked. I didn't want to go there anymore. My grandmother had to fool me that we were only going on a bustrip, but as soon as I saw where we were going I started screaming and wanted to get off the bus. Sometimes she had to take me back home to her again because I just refused to stay with my parents.
I didn't feel welcome at my parent home. Maybe I thought my mother blamed me for my sisters death, I don't know. I was really afraid of going there. I was afraid of my mother. I wonder why?
Maybe I thought they had killed her and now was going to kill me?
I can't recall a logical reason for my fear, but it was very present. Or maybe it was the overall depressing atmosphere in the home that scared me.
I have often wondered and fantasized about how it would have been to have a sister. How she would have looked and what we would have done together and if the family would have been happy if she had lived.
Last year I found out through a mere coincidence that I actually do have another sister. She is nine years younger that me and her mother is a woman that my father had an affair with at a drugclinic that he lived at for a while. My father didn't know about her either.
He got a call from this woman who said that she had met a friend of his at another drugclinic and since he was from the same town as my father she asked if he knew my fathers name, and he did. She had been looking for him all these years and now she found him. My sister looks a little bit like me, has the same features that I have gotten from my father.
We haven't met yet, but I hope we will soon.

[link=http://www.pinkeye.se/][/link]

Early memories.

I remember standing in my baby bed. It was red with a high fence. The room was very large and white and there was a huge white bed at the other end of it. Sometimes people were lying in it, sometimes not. I remember recognizing my parents from time to time, thinking, "oh, it's them".
I used to wake up feeling content but lonely. I was often alone in that room. I shouted for my mother and sometimes she came in and told me to be quiet and sometimes she picked me up.
Then I started to climb the fence. I tried many times and failed, but finally I made it to the other side. I had to take the chance and balance on my belly for a few seconds before being able to get over. I was happy when I made it over the fence, but then my mother used to hear the thumping sound when I hit the floor so she came in and lifted me back in the bed. I was bored with being in the bed so when she left I climbed the fence again. Sometimes she caught me when I was balancing on my belly at the top of the fence and banned me for trying to climb over. I got angry and feared the arrival of my mother at my climbingadventures, but I never stopped. I could have been at the age of 6-12 months old.
Never stop climbing the red fence, take chance for evolution and don't fear your mother.

[link=http://www.pinkeye.se/][/link]

Coyote

I have been getting this card several times recently. It's from a shamanistic card deck that my mother has. The coyote stands for screwing your life up so much that it has become an artform and that all you can do about it is laugh.
How funny is that?

[link=http://www.pinkeye.se/][/link]

Believe it or not.

But the colour is orange and it has pink flowers and green green leaves. It's my closet.

My workingmethod.

First I come up with an idea for a project, make plans for it, make appointments, schedules etc. Make a public announcement of what I'm PLANNING to do. Then I forget about it, almost conscioulsy I press the project to the darkest place in the brain. Then I get a new idea, a new project..... And then, when it's almost time for project number one to be presented to the world, I panic. Then I have a very large amount of things to do in very little time. The huge pressure can then make me act irrational, I do something else than I'm supposed to, like surf on the net, rearrange furniture... So about 50 % of my projects actually do see the light , the other 50% gets imbedded in my gulity bad selfimage. You think I shoud change methods? Yes, me too. Soooo, my NEW project is to take one project at the time.

[link=http://www.pinkeye.se/][/link]

It's hot!

It's 40??C here and I can't believe it. It's 27??C inside, and here I'm sitting with the shades down and wondering what the next step in human evolution is. Is it to clean out the closet once and for all, and what colour should the walls have? The heat is apparently affecting my brain....



[link=http://www.pinkeye.se/][/link]

Blank Title